Smiling Until Happy

For the first 7 days of this month, I’ve only spent $216.07.


9.7.14 budgets

I really like seeing the total spent at the top shaded in green. That little figure is going to stay the same until the 15th when I get my paycheck, and then it will change again on the 16th when all of my automatic debits for student loans, phone, savings transfer, and credit cards come out. I realize I’m doing pretty great if I can pay all of my bills and pay a little more than the minimum for most of them.

I’ve been really depressed this weekend, so my goal for this week is to smile until I’m happy. Smiling until happy is practically like waterboarding until drowning, but I mean to say that I’m going to attempt optimism and a sunny disposition rather than hoping for overcast weather so I can take my fucking nap without a pillow over my head. That being said, I realized this morning that I probably have a Vitamin D deficiency from only getting 5-10 minutes of sunlight a day. Also, I feel a lot like Wednesday Addams in Addams Family Values when she gets locked in the Harmony Hut for being so negative. Admitting that I want to be more positive feels exactly like the moment when she emerges and freaks everyone out for wanting to change.

A big cause for feeling depressed is how much I dislike being in Boston and away from my friends. Some transplants might be able to defend this city for having lovable traits, but to me it’s an empty husk that gets filled by 9-5er’s and college students, then abandoned to leave nothing but traces of suburbia and unfortunately high rents in buildings owned by people who probably live 15 miles away. I’ll refrain from going more in depth about what I dislike about this place. There’s a very small sprinkling of people I’ve found here who are actually pretty cool and not total shit heads, and if I didn’t have them, I’d probably be trying to conform entirely to the Boston lifestyle to forget who I used to be. For the most part, I miss Brooklyn. I feel like there’s a correlation between the length of time since I was last there and an increase in depression. I haven’t been there since July, and I am starting to feel totally empty and like I’m missing out on everything.

What I miss about Brooklyn are my friends and the comforting feeling of home I feel when I walk around there. I miss walking down the street and running into friends. I miss the day taking an unexpected turn when I hang out with those friends instead of going home. I miss hanging out at Bodega on a Sunday afternoon with my husband and playing chess until brunch was over and we’d go home to watch a movie. I miss inviting 20+ people over to my apartment for brunch, single-handedly cooking eggs and potatoes for everyone, and having every surface in my kitchen covered by champagne bottles from mimosas and dirty dishes. I miss bbq’s on the roof of the Tea Factory. I miss the $.10 limes from C-Town and the near-steady supply of guacamole I had in my home. I miss riding my bike through Morgantown and then down Bedford to get to McCarren Park to people watch, drink wine, and read on a blanket. I miss the Turkey’s Nest even though it smelled like piss and bleach if you stayed in there for too long after getting your styrofoam cup filled. I miss the Music Hall of Williamsburg. I miss Pies N Thighs, Sweet Chick, and Cafe Colette. I miss splurging for upscale burgers and comfort food at Northeast Kingdom. I miss the art painted on practically every surface in Jefftown. I miss sitting in Maria Hernandez park. I miss overpaying for speciality ingredients at Hana. I’ll stop there.

This week I will be exercising Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday no matter how tired I am. Wednesday I’m going to a UMass Boston information session on the MSA program. Weather permitting, I’ll walk home instead of taking the T (something that always brings me down), and I’ll leave my office to eat lunch in a park. It bothers me how pretty much everyone in my office eats their lunch at their desk rather than taking a walk or getting away to avoid phone calls or interruptions.  Friday, I have my annual review and I want to have a positive attitude going into it.


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